Ode to Cecilia
You once told me that / I held the multitude of the universe in me
This week, we are thrilled to share the fifth installment Norma Ramirez’s series of odes. Introducing her poem, Norma writes:
Ode to Cecilia is the fifth poem in this series where I attempt to capture the cost of pursuing a PhD in clinical psychology as an undocumented student in the United States. Cecilia and I met in Mexico during a trip for DACA recipients as I was fundraising for graduate school. My relationship with Cecilia began when I was starting grad school and ended a few months before I graduated. So, as I went along and completed the last milestones of this dream, I thought a lot about her and our relationship. I realized that there were a lot of circumstantial and environmental factors that impacted our relationship, in particular that I was undocumented being affected by grad school and a national lawsuit. Which led me to the realization that I was so lucky to have experienced the love of a lifetime.
“Ode to Cecilia”
Your kindness is what
Drew me to you
Era tanto el rechazo de México
Que una gotita de amabilidad
Toco lo más profundo de mi corazón
And then it was the way
That you wanted me
When two countries never did
Maybe I thought it was a miracle?
But your kind of love
And my kind of love
Didn’t fit quite right
I had a heart of stone on its way to becoming flesh
And
You had the little girl of stone that you had to avoid
When a relationship ends
There’s a temptation to villainize the other
And show the best parts of ourselves
And for awhile
I did engage in that process
Because I didn’t want to feel weak
Because I just didn’t want to admit that I was
Always going to love you
But how can I not love you
When you were present
During the years that I was the most vulnerable?
When you became a part of me?
I have been listening to my therapy sessions
I understand what happened between us
I understand what was happening within you
I understand what was happening within me
I see you
I see me
I see us
I see all that was against us
I see all that was for us
I see all that we were
And
All that we couldn’t be
Thank you for loving me with all that you had
Even though my circumstances weren’t my fault
I do feel this odd sense of responsibility
Maybe if I had been born into slightly different circumstances
That wouldn’t have driven my family to migrate
Maybe if I had just been born a U.S. citizen
Then maybe you could have fallen in love with
Someone who wasn’t always fighting to survive
And you wouldn’t have suffered the pain that comes with it
If I had known
How much I was going to suffer
And how each year,
There would be less and less of me
I would have never paid attention
To the excitement in your voice as you told me
That I was going to be able to meet my grandma
I would have never asked you for help
In finding a wheelchair for her
I would have never asked you to buy me some Carlos V chocolates
And
I would have never sat down on the stairs with you
After saying good-bye to my grandma
And shared my dreams
For both our sakes
I wouldn’t have chosen you
Or anyone for that matter
Because no one should have to go through
What I went through
You once told me that
I held the multitude of the universe in me
And I couldn’t understand what you meant
I thought that this was true for everyone
But now I get it
And I think you were both enthralled
And terrified of it
Thank you for always being honest with me
About what was going on within you
And sharing those difficult things that
Are so hard to admit to
I wish you the best
I hope you’re happy
And
I hope you find what you’re looking for
Propina
If you missed the first four poems in this series, you can listen to and read them here:
Describing the full series of poems, Norma writes:
I wrote these poems as a way to capture the cost of pursuing a doctorate while being undocumented in the United States. Once I had graduated, I realized that I need to reflect and process the past 7 years to allow space to heal. In the process, I also got licensed and that also brought up more feelings and dynamics. So, the series is a bit developmental, capturing pieces of the past, the present, and wonderings of the future.
Norma’s poetry series will continue next month. In the meantime, if you have a poem, story, image, or general idea you would like to share with La Cuenta’s readers, please get in touch.
We’ll see you next week!