“You are American regardless of what anyone tells you."

Rafael Agustin reflects on the lessons and the impact of his memoir.

Part way through our conversation with writer Rafael Agustin, he responded to one of our questions with a warning: “What I'm going to share is probably going to break your heart.” He was right.

Sharing a behind-the-scenes look at the painful process of starting to write his memoir, Illegally Yours, Rafael’s story (shared below) still sits with us today. In the concluding half of our conversation, Rafael goes from talking about how a hit play in college helped launch his Hollywood career to the impact that his memoir has had on readers over the past year.

*NOTE: we are giving away an autographed copy of Rafael’s memoir to one reader that likes or comments on this story.

ALIX DICK: I want to tell you how much I love the cover of your book.

RAFAEL AGUSTIN: I knew that I needed to use that picture for the book cover because that was the first picture we took as a family in this country. We took it in a very tacky strip mall, paid $20 to get a family portrait, and I knew I wanted that to be the cover because it was the first picture we took. I knew I wanted to cover my parents' identity. I wanted to do like the film Parasite where you put black over their eyes. The design suggestion became, “Why don't we put stars over their eyes?” It protects their identity and it shows they're seeing the American dream while emo Rafa is like, "I don't even want to be here."

AD: What were your goals as you were writing?

RA: I wanted to write the book I didn't have growing up. So, I wanted to tell an undocumented story, but in a very comedic way because I have read other undocumented memoirs and stories that are very impactful. But the problem with those stories is they speak to me, but I don't see how they speak to anyone else. So that's why I knew that the only way that I was going to tackle this serious issue was through comedy. And that's what's been so successful for me in the book. People were like, "I didn't expect to be entertained. I didn't expect to laugh," because this subject matter is so heavy. And I tell people, "Do you think we're just depressed 24 hours a day? Are you kidding me?"

AD: Yeah

RA: We have the most fun. It's a cultural thing. We'll always find the laughter even in the middle of the heartbreak. So I wanted the book to encompass that.

Antero Garcia: Has the response to the book been what you expected?

RA: No, it hasn't, because when I wrote the book, I thought maybe undocumented students would relate to it. I was hoping maybe Latinos would relate to it. But the people who have reached out to me the most are first generation Americans. And that I was not expecting. Children of immigrants have reached out to me so much, whether they're Chinese American, Indian American, Filipino American, everyone was like, "Oh my God, your parents were exactly like my parents. Your story was exactly like my story." And that's something I wish I would've known as I was writing it. I was like, "Oh my God, I should have just told that first generation American story." I mean, I kind of told it without trying, but that wasn't my focus. And that's the piece of the book that people most respond to. There's a chapter of the book called “How to Disappoint Your Immigrant Parents without Trying.” That's the chapter that everyone writes to me about.

AD: It stood out to me too, because I wanted to be a filmmaker and writer, and I think my parents were expecting me to follow their path. I'm sure your parents wanted you to be a doctor too.

RA: Oh my God. I broke their hearts when I was like, "I want to work in entertainment." Funny enough, that was almost the title of the book. I almost called the book How To Disappoint Your Immigrant Parents without Trying. But the publisher thought we needed something that would help people understand that this is about immigration, a memoir, and comedic. So that's how we came up with Illegally Yours.

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AG: It's a universal story of first-generation Americans just with more Saved by the Bell references and references to masturbation than most other books.

RA: That was always my joke because I knew that I was raised by American pop culture, like so many of us, because our parents are just working overtime seven days a week just to survive and stay afloat with the bills. So I was left at home and I was, okay. So I'm watching American television, being raised by ALF and Saved by the Bell, Friends.

AG: For the artists and creators who might be undocumented and are reading your words right now, what kind of advice can you offer?

RA: I want to tell them to 100% believe that they're American because they are. As long as you contribute to this society, you are American regardless of what anyone tells you. And you have to lean into what fulfills your heart and what you were put on this earth to do. And only you know what that is. However, so many of us are not born into wealth. I hope that's one of the lessons people take from my book. I've always had two to three full-time jobs. That's something I learned from my dad who told me when he first came to this country that you have to keep two full-time jobs in the United States to survive because you never know when a recession's going to hit you. I've been working since I was 14 years old.

So people who are not born into wealth, you have got to be able to find a way to, one, make a living and pay your bills. And two, do your art. It's exhausting. It's tiring. It feels impossible. But if my book proves anything, it's that it is doable. The sacrifices you have to make along the way are hard. Because a lot of times I think people go, "Well, I'm just going to be an artist, and by God I'm going to put 100% into that and not worry about anything else." And then they can't make their rent.

Or other people who are working great jobs, they deserve to make a good living. They're just too exhausted to be working on their art. But that's what it takes. It literally takes you working full-time during the day and then full-time during the night.

AD: I completely relate to that.

RA: You get it. You get it.

AG:  In terms of your hustle, I remember seeing your play, N*W*C, when I was an undergraduate.

RA: I can't believe that. That's so remarkable to me that you remember seeing it. At UCLA?

AG: Yeah, at UCLA. I definitely didn't have money to go see it anywhere else.

RA: The trajectory of that show is unbelievable because we did it as students. Then we were taken to the Los Angeles Theater Center by my mentor, Jose Luis Valenzuela, to do it professionally. Then we were picked up by a big touring management company. So we went from student show to professional run, to a national tour in three months.

AG: You’re saying, I saw the bad version?

RA: You saw the bad version. You saw the version that we were like, “What are we doing?” Then we actually had to figure out our costumes and set.

AG: You talk in the book about how one of the prompts that led you to write the play was this question that you asked each other, “When was the first time you felt different?” Kind of building from that, more than 20 years later, what's the most recent time that you felt profoundly different?

RA: Oh, wow. What a great question. It's every time you step into spaces that there's a lack of other people who might share your experience or look like you. I have to say TV writer's room, that to me was, oh my God, do I even belong here? Even when the book came out and I was interviewed by Gayle King on CBS Mornings, I was like, oh my God, do I belong here? I guess it's always that whenever a sense of imposter syndrome starts creeping in.

AG: You still get Imposter Syndrome to this day?

RA: It never goes away. It never goes away. I've been thinking a lot about imposter syndrome. And the opposite of imposter syndrome is a sense of belonging. So that's why I think creating those safe spaces for students, for children, even for yourselves, is so important. Once you feel like you belong, that sensation of, “Oh, I don't belong here,” or “I'm just an imposter,” all that fades away.

AD: What are you working on right now that excited you?

RA: Well, we're on strike [at the time that we are talking] and I can't be working on anything right now. Luckily, I'm starting to outline my second book, Illegally Yours did so well that I'm preparing a second book, and I've taken the time to step back and think about the things that I want to be writing and developing. Right now, with the pause, it almost feels like the pandemic again. It's like, okay, there's a pause and I get to figure out what it is I want to do. I wrote Illegally Yours during the pandemic, and I just wrote my first feature film during this strike.

AG:  See, this is why strikes are good for you!

RA: Economically, they're not good, but the long run and holistically, yeah, it's good to take a pause to reflect. The majority of education happens during reflection, so it's so good to take a pause and be like, "Wait, what am I doing? Why am I doing this? What is the purpose?"

AD: Yeah, I get it. One of the things that I love the most about your book, is your relationship with your father. What was the hardest part of writing this book for you?

RA: Well, what I'm going to share is probably going to break your heart. I pitched the story to the publisher of the All-American family that just happens not to be American, and it's about this tight-knit group, my mom, my dad and I, and how we overcame everything. And then I got my deal … and then my parents got a divorce. I could not believe it.

I couldn't write the book. It hurt too much. Too many things came to light, and I was paralyzed, I couldn't put pen to paper. My publisher and my book agent called me like, "Do you want to return the advance?" I was like, "Well, I'm not going to do that."

[laughs]

I was like, "I'll find a way to get through this depression." And then I wrote the last chapter of the book first because it was in that last chapter that I gave myself the permission to write the book, because I realized that I had to protect my memories from everybody, including my parents.

AD: Wow.

RA: So even though I have a strange relationship with my stepdad now, when I went back to write the book, that last chapter allowed me to say, "You know what? I'm going to remember him exactly how he lives with my memories with this much joy and love."

AD: You did break my heart. But now your book becomes even more special to me because I can't imagine how hard it is to write about these things.

RA: That was the hardest thing for me in writing the book, giving myself the permission to write it with love and joy and happiness versus what I was currently feeling in the moment. And it made me think how the women in my life are so important. I currently live with my mom and grandma. We live like an episode of The Golden Girls every day.

AG: So, La Cuenta gets its name from the idea of imagining a bill to America for the costs of what it means to be undocumented. So, what did it cost you to live in America while you were undocumented? What would you put on the bill?

RA: Someone wrote me and was like, "I never stopped to consider how expensive it is to be undocumented because of the number of tickets that I got." Every ticket that I got was like $1500. And I got several of them. But to be completely honest, because luckily, I came as a child, my La Cuenta bill would actually be about my parents because I stopped to consider that these are two people in their prime working in the United States, but they've got their entire education paid for by a different government. An entire different government paid for them to become medical doctors. And then that government didn't benefit from their labor. It was the United States of America who did not pay for any of that. So, my bill is about my parents. It's their development, their education, their expertise, their medical degrees, all of that which this country didn't have to pay for and benefited greatly from.

AG: Thank you. Are there and topics we should have asked you about?

RA: No, no. Just that if people are moved by the conversation, hopefully, they'll go pick up the book and see themselves in this story. My favorite thing is that older generations are like, "I can't wait to make my child read it." And younger generations, they're like, "I can't wait to make my dad read it." When it first came out last year, oh my God, I kept getting images by first-generation Americans who would send me pictures of their parents reading the book. Oh, God, that was so deeply moving to me. So it's almost like immigrant parents were reading the book in a way that their children were saying, "I see you."

AG: That's beautiful.

RA: You're going to make me cry just thinking about that. Those are probably my favorite pictures that people I didn't know were sharing with me.

Propina

We are so grateful for the time and love that Rafael brought to this conversation. If you haven’t read Illegally Yours, check it out here.

As a reminder:

We are giving away a signed copy of Rafael’s book to one person who likes or comments on this post (or the first part of our conversation here)

We’ll see you next week.