"I wanted to capture the confusion of my youth."

Author Elizabeth Camarillo Gutierrez reflects on writing My Side of the River and helping teachers make stronger connections with their students.

A few minutes before we hit record, author Elizabeth Camarillo Gutierrez and La Cuenta’s co-founder, Alix Dick, reflected on the heightened nature of caretaking as Latina older siblings. The responsibility of caring for her little brother is a major theme that runs throughout much of Ms. Gutierrez’s recently published memoir, My Side of the River.

A powerful narrative about growing up as a U.S. citizen while also confronting the precarious nature of living in a mixed-status family, My Side of the River is a text that sits with readers long after the final page is turned. In this first part of our conversation, Elizabeth reflects on initial reactions to the book and the challenges of writing about sensitive, family topics.

ANTERO GARCIA: How would you describe the response to your book? 

ELIZABETH CAMARILLO GUTIERREZ: It's resonated with a lot of people. The thing about my book is that it's in this weird in-between state. My brother and I weren't undocumented, but our parents didn't have the right documentation. So there's a privilege with having documentation, but also ending up being failed by the system. I think that there were a lot of people that felt connected to that aspect of it. And, like Alix said, there's a lot of older siblings who really resonate with having to take care of their younger siblings or being the main caretaker for their family. When I was writing this book, I used to tell my editor, "A lot of what I'm trying to put into words is how I feel like I'm this old Volkswagen bug and my transmission is out. My purpose is meant to get people from A to B, and the people in the car are my family and I'm falling apart, and the oil is leaking." I’d say, "That's what I feel like almost every day.”

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I feel like I am struggling to take care of myself, but I need to get my family from A to B and make sure that they're okay. That was a lot of me trying to put it into words, and my editor would say, "That's so sad," and I was like, "But that's just how I feel."

There was a time where I was reading my Goodreads reviews, which I know is super toxic and you're not supposed to do. I've been called all sorts of things, people think that I'm a bit of an elitist person in a lot of the comments. And it's funny to me, because I'm like, "Okay, well, I come from these humble origins," but I also worked really hard to get into these crazy programs or notable schools. And I'm very proud of that. I think that when you're Latino, people expect you to be humble and grateful. And I am incredibly grateful, but I also feel like I am entitled to a lot of these entrances, because very few of us are and I worked really hard, and I know how stacked the odds are against us.

I think people don't like my tone in a lot of these ways, but I've also built my tone based on the experiences that I've gotten. So that's how I feel.

ALIX DICK: Absolutely.

ECG: I've also gotten feedback that I should have waited 10 years to write the book, that it was a very young-sounding book. I think those people missed the point. I did that on purpose. As I wrote the book, I purposely made my tone young at the beginning when I was a child to grow with me up until now. There's a lot of elements that came into writing the memoir now, but part of it was I wanted to capture the confusion of my youth. If the ending was ambiguous for readers, that's because I'm 28 still and I don't know what my call to action is, as I assume lots of people my age don't know! I felt like it was important to capture that ambivalence in the book because there's so few memoirs of people my age.

AG: It must feel frustrating to get this feedback that tries to tell you how you should tell your story and who you should be.

ECG: It's not surprising, especially with this type of book. I've spoken to some great authors and they're like, "Yeah, don't read the Goodreads reviews. There're going to be really bad reviews, because people are just anti-immigrant.” It's sad, because then whatever happens and your rating goes down, and that affects sales and everything. But you'll also get people that just question your tone and why you did things, but it's because they missed the mark. But the people that need to hear it are the ones that I have been focusing on, and it's usually professors or teachers. A lot of teachers have reached out to me, because they're like, "This is helping me understand my students," and that, to me, is important, because then they get the support that they need growing up at very crucial times, too.

AD: When I was reading the book, there were there a few chapters where I was like, "Oh, my. I was not prepared for this!” I really believe that older sisters like you and I experience life so differently than most humans. I don't think people understand that our background forces us to take that role. In a lot of parts of the book, I could feel the heaviness that I've been feeling for 20 years--what it means to be everything for my brother. I’m wondering who were you imagining as your reader as you worked on the book?  

ECG: I felt like it was hard to write about my family a lot of the times, because you're writing about their flaws and things that they're not necessarily proud of. That was really hard to disconnect. But I kept thinking of people like my brother. A lot of my friends are Latino, undocumented, and they have younger siblings like mine at varying ages, and they're all stressed out and worried and they have all this anxiety. I recently went back to my high school. My principal is retiring, and he wanted me to go and speak to the students. And it was crazy, because when I went to high school, there was a lot of Latinos, but it wasn't to the extent that I saw now.

The school demographics of my high school in Arizona, it's like 90% Latino. The kids that I was talking to, so many of them came from mixed-status families or undocumented. One was like, "I came here two years ago from Panama," and he's graduating with honors. These students have all these scholarships. And I know that they're doing all of this and I know the pressure that they feel. When I think about my book, I'm like, "This is the target audience:” It's these kids going from high school to college that feel this confusion about life and wondering if they're doing the right thing at any time. They question whether there're some times they have to sacrifice to pursue their own education, or work to provide for their family. It's for them, it's for my younger brother, and for all these other kids.

One of my really close friends, Estefania has a little sister and her name is Isabella. She told me one time, "You know Elizabeth, it's really great because if you can do this, then I can too." I was like, "What do you mean, Isabella? What do you mean if I can do this?" And she said, "Because I'm crazy, and I'm all over the place, and I'm very disorganized, and I have all these quirk. But if you can do it, then I totally can too." I want to give people that. I'm a flawed person with a lot of issues, and I was still able to get something done. And that's possible for everybody at any level.

AD: I love that you talk about being proud of the things that you have done in life, and I so appreciate how you were very honest about some of the aspects of your family. When the book came out, what was your family’s reaction?

ECG: I think people were pretty receptive. I wrote about domestic violence in my family, right? And I think it's really hard because I'm talking about my parents and my parents are older, and I love them. They've worked through a lot of these issues. Time has helped heal a lot of the scars that we've faced. Maybe the people that I was talking about in the book aren't the people that they are now. I was very worried about them getting villainized. And at the same time, I also know that what I was writing about is a lot of people's present. If we don't talk about the issues that our community faces, then how are we going to grow and get better? I think that was one of my main motivators. This was a very big part of my upbringing and, to some extent, it is softened in the book.

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I wanted to make sure that, at the end of the day, I provided enough context about my family so that people understood each and every one of them as whole beings. Because we are all flawed, and have issues, and triggers, and things that we are not proud of. That does not mean that we can’t grow. We can get better after these things happen, and we can work through it. I know that's not the reality for a lot of people. I know that a lot of people never end up working through it. I'm very proud of my family for being in a much better state than we were during all of this turmoil.

I knew that it was incredibly important for me to write this, because it makes you feel less alone too. And, especially for kids going through this who want to blame everything on their parents, it's easier to get through it if you kind of see where they're coming from, and you see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That was my thought process.

AD: Thank you for sharing that.

Propina

We’ll continue our conversation with Elizabeth Camarillo Gutierrez next week. If you haven’t had a chance to read her memoir, My Side of The River, we encourage you to do so. Elizabeth also reads the audiobook, if that’s your preference!

We’ll see you next week.